Time to replace marriage with a cohabitation contract?

An article published in Today! newspaper - 23 Aug 2005

Women should expect less from their man and understand that philandering is in his nature

Letter from Wilson Wong

I refer to the report, "Stay away from my husband, you hear!" (Aug 19) and the letter "Don't blame the other woman if he strays" (Aug 22) by Mrs Lam.

I am nearing middle age and all of my male friends are married ? most with children.

When we get together, we always reminisce about the days gone by and take stock of what's left of our lives. And almost inevitably we end up talking about women in general and our wives in particular.

I discovered, at first to my shock, how commonplace it was that so many of my friends cheated on their wives.

Most confessed to doing so mostly on business trips, but others also told me that they had flings nearer home ? usually with their colleagues.

These friends have no intention to file for divorce or pursue a life with the "other" woman.

Mrs Lam has correctly identified the key reason why they do this ? after marriage and especially after childbirth, wives lose their sexual drive, creating a pent-up desire in men who are used to a higher degree of physical sexual expression.

This gets worse when the children are born, as wives not only lose their shape but also spend almost all their time and energy on the kids, almost ignoring their husbands.

So, is this an excuse for men to stray?

It depends on the age-old "nature-vs-nurture" debate and whether the male of a species conditioned to "go forth and multiply" can ? by sheer exercise of discipline ? curb his natural need to keep sowing his seed.

And it seems the older a man gets, and the more he is confronted with his mortality, the more he desires to prove ? both to himself and maybe even his friends ? that he is still able to "perform".

Certainly, all men stray if not physically, at least psychologically ? by either looking at attractive women, watching porn or even fantasising about sex with others.

Traditions of love and marriage are nice. But reading all the letters and various discussions on the matter, I am tempted to say ? and I know that this will cause controversy ? that there is nothing to recommend marriage to a man.

Certainly not in law, where men always lose out in marriage, and neither in reality, where men face self-imposed restrictions on their natural tendencies.

Looking back, almost all my friends regret the act of marriage. Given a second chance, most would rather cohabit ? not least because the legal consequences are less serious.

The concept of marriage was intended to protect women: It does nothing for the man. But times have changed and with the growing affluence of women, there is no longer a need for a man to provide for a woman.

Mrs Lam's letter may have struck a cord. Is it time for women to expect less from their man? To realise and even to expect that their man cannot, by nature, only have one woman for ever and ever?

Is it time for the concept of marriage to be done away with, and be replaced with a contract where both parties negotiate the terms of their cohabitation? Even to the extent where each party may have an allowable number of affairs a year?

As times change, maybe social expectation should too.

-end-


have our values really changed with the times? perhaps this is the answer to my curiosity on faithfulness and monogamy in a marriage.

in the writer's words: Certainly, all men stray if not physically, at least psychologically ? by either looking at attractive women, watching porn or even fantasising about sex with others. honestly, i doubt guys think of the above act as straying psychologically because to them their opinion is: "i'm just looking wat, its harmless. its not as if i am cheating on u and at the end of the day, ur the woman i love and i want to be with u."

but they will never be able to see from the woman's point of view, that it might be a form of hurt inflicted on their loved ones, no matter how much reassurance is given.

if a couple cannot remain committed to the other party, i feel marriage shouldnt be on the plate and no one should wed out of society / parental pressure bcos at the end of the day, both parties will suffer n be miserable. "a cohabitation contract" will probably work for all who still remain and wish to keep their options open.