Curbing the impulse to stray

Man or beast? You can choose Hubby's job to get her 'in the mood'

Letter from Boon Chin AunLetter from Terence LeongLetter from Wilson Wong Uei Shen

Men were born to stray, and independent women today no longer need men to provide for them. So, should we replace marriage with a cohabitation contract? Reader Wilson Wong's letter yesterday drew many strong reactions ? including three from other men ?

I REFER to Mr Wong's letter, "Time to replace marriage with a cohabitation contact?" and Mrs Lam's letter, "Don't blame the other woman if he strays", (Aug22).

Mrs Lam seems to suggest that women should blame themselves when a man strays.
While I understand it does take two hands to clap, the approach of saying that "I am to blame when things go wrong" is not right.

Mr Wong suggests it is inherent in males to "go forth and multiply", and that men cannot be blamed for straying as not doing so is against their nature.

In both instances, what the writers failed to recognise is that what differentiates us as human beings over animals is our ability to exercise choice, and the intelligence to accept responsibility for that choice.

We, as men, choose to get married. With that, we choose to accept the responsibilities and limitations that come with marriage.

If we choose to stray, we do so consciously accepting to break whatever vow we chose to make when we got married. To absolve a man from blame by simplistically saying that when men stray, it's the woman's fault as suggested by Mrs Lam; or that it's natural for men to stray as suggested by Wilson Wong ? is to equate men to nothing more than animals with no means to control themselves or exercise their gift of choice and intelligence.

We are a society of human beings, each governed with a brain that tells us that we should know better. We trust our partners to make the right choice. If it's not to marry, so be it. But if they choose to marry, then they must be held accountable for that choice. This after all, is what makes us human.

Cohabitation is not necessarily better

I AM sure Mr Wong meant well but I would like to point out firstly that cohabitation is not as rosy as one might think.

In the most progressive countries, where cohabitation is the norm, countless studies have shown how cohabitation reduces the quality of intimacy in relationships (for both men and women) in the long run, and deprive women of their rights and protection.

Women who cohabit may think they are holding onto their equality. Unfortunately, they find that, in the long run, men still expect their partners to fulfil traditional roles once the relationship settles in. Thus, if anything, women find themselves in more disadvantaged positions.

I do not see a need to replace the marriage institution with a cohabitation contract. Those who want to cohabit are already free to do so legally.

But those who decide to marry must be responsible enough to recognise that it is not compatible with extra-marital affairs.

People are already free to choose.

There is no need to discredit the marriage institution because some people have not been able to live up to it. Granted, social expectations might continue to become more liberal and more people may opt out of it. Still, let the marriage institution continue for those who want to live up to its ideals and enjoy its benefits.

MY NAMESAKE gave a lot of reasons why men stray, but under scrutiny, his reasons just point to the self-serving mentality that society should guard against.

He noted that women lose their sex drive after a while and focus more on the children.

Husbands, too, should plan time to be alone with their wives, away from the children.

I attribute women's lack of sexual desire to the fact that the men do not spend time alone with their wives, planning romantic dinners or strolls along the beach. If you want sexual desire, create the environment to nurture that desire.

Likewise, wives should stop giving excuses that they are tired (so are the men!).

Mr Wong argues that the law here does not help the men. But it is precisely the act of adultery by such inconsiderate men that requires the existence of such a law.

A marriage is by far the most emotionally satisfying institution that men and women could have. But for marriage to work, it will take men to dig deep into the emotional well to connect with their wives.

If one cannot even uphold the terms and conditions of a marriage, how then can I trust a person to uphold the terms and conditions of a cohabitation contract?