LOVING TOUGHNESS

Whether you need to heal a troubled
marriage or maintain a healthy relationship,
my recommendation is an attitude called
"loving toughness".

The best way to keep a marriage healthy
is to maintain a system of mutual
accountability within the context of love -
in other words, to carefully protect the line
of respect between a husband and wife.

Let me give you a personal example.
Suppose I work in my office two hours longer
than usual on a particular night knowing
that my wife is preparing a special
candlelight dinner. If I don't call to let her
know I'll be late, you can be sure I'll hear
from her when I get home.

Shirley would see my behaviour as
insulting - and she'd be right. She'd say in
effect, "Jim, what you did was selfish and
I can't let it pass." In those few words, she
would have spoken her mind in love, held
me accountable, and then we could move
on together.

In a healthy marriage, some things are
worth defending, and mutual respect is at
the top of the list. I'm not talking about
nagging, insulting or publicly embarrassing
your mate, but a workable system of "checks
and balances" can help keep your marriage
on course.

This kind of mutual accountability
is the best way I know to avoid an
unexpected explosion when stored
resentment and anger reach a critical mass.

By Dr James Dobson